It had been quite a while, hadn’t it? You never really knew me well. I bet you don’t even remember me now. A friend called me today, saying she saw you with your friends- laughing and enjoying. I don’t know if I should be happy. After all, somewhere I still like talking about you. Or whether I should be sad because I have not been able to forget you. After all, you have a girlfriend, a perfect life, a reason to smile, and well, I have nothing. I realize that I should be sad but I am confused because talking about you reminds me of our sweet memories which have now vanished under the shadow of your new love.
Hell, I am not a stalker, but I want to know where you are? Because I miss you. No matter how many times I say I am over you and I don’t miss you, it’s just not possible. A part of me just won’t let go…I don’t know why. You have hurt me every time, insulted me, and taken me wrong every moment…never showed me that you loved me but I am still here, loving you forever.
We don’t talk now…But I see the glances that you steal at me. The way you look, that gaze, it now kills me because I feel guilty about the way I behaved with you every time. Is it your fault if you love someone else and not me? No. It’s mine. Just because I love you does not mean you have to love me back. But like the selfish person I am, I don’t think that I will ever stop getting jealous of your girlfriend.
Sometimes I think you love me, but then I think maybe it was nothing- those glances. Maybe I was imagining it. People say it leads to nothing, having a silly crush and being that young. They say I’ll tend to get over this silly love. Everyone does. But I know this love is not silly, and I won’t be able to get over it ever.
But it’s just a crush. It won’t hurt anyone. I still remember you laughing sarcastically at my bad puns; maybe you have already forgotten me. Maybe my name won’t come on your lips ever now. Maybe you no more remember my name.
All I know is, I wish, that a part of you still wants me. It’s okay for you to not show me that, I can live with the memories. But I just wish, you miss me. Miss me sometimes.
Because I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. That smile- I’d die for. That smile makes me forgets half of my problems. That smile… I’ll love forever. Everything becomes strange when you hit that smile at me. I feel like this world never existed. These people never did. It’s only you and your smile that has kept me holding till now because nobody can love your smile as much as I do. Nobody can measure the depth of that smile ever. Because nobody can love you as much as I do.
You won’t believe me, I know that. But then it’s not about you. It’s about me being sure. You don’t have to believe, because if I start showing you my love to make you believe, that love will not be in its purest form.
I think about you off and on, replaying pieces of our conversations, laughing at funny things that you said or did. I have memorized your face, your voice. I might not recognize anything in the world, but you are that one thing I would still be familiar with. I would recognize your voice even when I am dying.
So I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine. I wonder what will happen next. I have hope. Hopes are not always good to have but then you are the only one with whom I can have hopes. Because I know you, I have, for so many years.
You might not talk to me, and behave rudely. But somewhere I know you love me. You keep denying it thousand times but if I know you and love you, I know a part of you loves me back no matter what. And you think I don’t care because I am always busy? But no…I do. I care. I cherish every moment spent with you.
I keep myself with friends only so that I can divert my mind from you. But that just does not happen. Everything reminds me of you. Blue reminds me of you. Music reminds me of you. Late night conversations remind me of you. Hugs remind me of you.
Even after all this, there are no words to express how I feel about you. I constantly search for the words, and they all seem less than I truly feel. You are my life, my heart, and my soul. When you go, I feel like how Bella felt after Edward left. She described it the best by saying “But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest.” I don’t think anything in the world can compare to her love for Edward. Doesn’t matter if it was fiction! The love they have depicted in the story isn’t artificial. Bella loved Edward.
I believe you are my person. Because I still remember the day we first met. I knew you were the one I was meant to fall in love with. It’s always been you and it is always going to be you. And that’s why I still love you, even though you don’t. I love you, even though there’s nothing in it for me anymore. There’s just loving you, but that’s enough for me. Knowing you is all it takes to love you.
You are, however, the person with whom I fell most intensely in love. You reached inside of me and made me feel. You are the lamp to an empty road, the thread to the kite above, the pacemaker to the heart, the ball in that tender glove. You fill my heart’s cylinder and transport me into peace, you are the good that destroys the evil in me, and you are my soul’s noble key. You are everything I want.
I believe love is the essence of everyone. But in the context of being between two people, it is also a verb and an action is a choice. Physical feelings are just that-physical. But the attraction of the mind and spirit- now that’s miraculous! I’ll always be close to you; you can come back to me always, regardless of distance. I am always a phone call or a memory away 🙂